Sitting here, back at my desk, this whole experience almost doesn’t even feel real. I spent the month between winning the Daphne award and leaving for B-con in ever-oscillating moods of uncertainty and excitement. There were a lot of questions I needed to answer for myself. I’ve been to two national RWA conferences now, and a Military Writers conference, and the thing I took away from all of them was…in some sense…disappointment.
I won the Daphne and yet I didn’t feel like I belonged. I struggled with severe anxiety over COVID and the limits of my own body, and I found myself hiding in quiet spaces to talk myself off ledges. Don’t get me wrong, being back at conference was a great feeling, and winning that award will forever be a formative experience of my career, but it was still missing something. I was still missing my confidence.
Coming into Bouchercon, I was nervous as hell. There is this perception of the thriller genre, and spy thriller as a subset, as a men's club. And well, I wasn’t sure how I would be received, especially because I’ve never served in the field I write about. I’m not a former spy. I’m a stay at home mom. To say I was scared would be an understatement, I was damn terrified.
And then, I took that first step into a larger world and…OMG I can’t express how wonderful it was! I was still shaking in my heels sometimes, but I powered through, largely bolstered by the acceptance and encouragement of my fellow authors who treated me like a peer. I found my people! I am still floored by how welcoming the men of my genre are! I have NO DOUBT left, this is where I belong.
I had a singular goal for Bouchercon—make a statement—Here I come.
And I CRUSHED IT.